I've been doing lots of thinking about the blog, the title and how clothing and the 30 for 30 really fit in with all of THIS (remembering self). What it boils down to is - I have some long held beliefs or assumptions about myself, my body or clothing that have been dictating how I dress or don't dress and really how I feel about and present myself to the world. I am kind of tired of them and would desperately like to move on! Warning! This will probably be a long post ... Let's start with a little history:
I was teased in 2nd grade about my clothing to the point that I was coming home crying on a regular basis. I also had extremely buck teeth at this point in my life, which didn't help matters, I'm sure. We did not have a lot of money growing up and I had hand-me-downs from a sister that was 10 years older than me or from what my mother called "the boutique". Except that "the boutique" was really a room where people could donate clothing at the college where my father taught. If you left something you probably got to take something and my mother was one of the people who 'worked' there sorting, in exchange for first dibs. This is how I came to grow up with lots of thrifted clothing before thrifting was cool.
So back to the 2nd grade. At some point, my parents took pity on me and took me to the mall (J.C. Penny's, I believe) and purchased several items of new clothing. I can remember one of the shirts: Pink plaid with a mandarin collar and side tie on the bottom, it might have even had some metallic thread (The 80's). I think I wore it for the school photo that year, because it was my favorite. It was new. (I've been looking for my copy of that photo to scan and upload here, but haven't come across it yet) Anyway, I was told never to tell any of my siblings how much $$ was spent on my new clothes. I seem to remember $76, which was a fortune back then. My parents were doing the best that they could, but all around, this was very traumatic for me and I believe it helped set the stage for some of the woes to come. Get teased or feel guilty. Ugh. So for a few years I tried not to be interested in clothing.
During middle school, things are awkward, right? Well, I was taller and developing earlier than many of my friends by the time 6th grade came around. Although, it completely stopped and most of them surpassed me! Because I'm not even 5'4" and a size A. However, I have an aunt who is a beauty at 5'11". They thought I was going to take after her since I grew so early and had big feet. Oh, well. I still have large feet for my height, just never grew into them, I guess. I spent quite a bit of time in middle school feeling really awkward in my body and the rest of the time trying to be fashionable and sexy. The latter was not allowed for 13/14 year olds in my household (not that I can blame them), but it was confusing.
After relocating from the south to Oregon for HS, at some point, I gave up and just began trying to hide my body. I remember making a point of never wearing shorts or skirts to school in HS, because I hated my legs and I also hated anything too girlie or pink. I begged my mom to let me wear pants to church like everyone else. (In the South, you dressed up for church and bought a new dress every Easter. In Oregon, no one was dressing up for church, at least not at my church. So, yes, I wore dresses, but long dresses, so my legs still didn't really show). Luckily for my teenage self, hiding my body was actually easy, because by this time the grunge era was making thrift stores cutting edge and comfy flannels cool. YES!!!
Mostly, I hated my body and therefore hated shopping. I didn't know what to do with it or how to dress it. If I looked good I got attention from boys, but often made other girls feel bad. Besides there was even less money now, as my dad lost his teaching job while I was a Sophomore. Jeans or khakis and a t-shirt were my repertoire and they have kind of continued to be for years. I can't stand tucking things in, rarely wear belts and think they look weird on my boyish figure anyway. To top it all off I have to wear orthotic arch supports now, have for the last 12 years actually, so heels and many cute shoes are out of the question except for special-occasions. Just give me a uniform so I don't have to think about it!
Except my way of being, of relating to myself through clothing, has been feeling old for the last year, especially the last 6 months. I've checked style books out from the library, purged my closet somewhat and even begun to experiment a little, but have yet to get over my awkwardness. I like a lot of things, just not on me. And my husband doesn't know what to think of my new found interest. He likes me just the way I am, jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, which is wonderful - to be loved for me on a Saturday morning with my crazy, sticking-up hair and my winking smiley-face Joe Boxer flannel PJs, but he also has no understanding of any of this. This, of course, is a man, brimming with self-confidence and a wardrobe of jeans, collared short-sleeve polos and running shoes. He hasn't gone clothing shopping in years, except for hiking and mountaineering clothing, because that is functional. I sometimes envy men and the ease they often do not even know they have in this world, just because they were born male ... <sigh>
So I think this is why I had such a hard time making those final decisions for the 30 for 30. I feel like I am in desperate need of a change and a break-through in this area of previously limited self-expression and I might just be expecting too much from the next 30 days. As if it is going to fix a lifetime of style and self-esteem woes ...
Regardless, I am trying to have fun with it and hoping that it will help, even if just a little, and not drag me down. Remembering your true self is truly a life-long process. 30 days is just that, 30 days ... But still it can be what you make it.
Wow--this is so fascinating to read as someone who knew you during some of those years. It's interesting (and I hope I don't make you uncomfortable here): I always found you to be so beautiful, and because you dressed in baggy clothes I took that as a sign that you were confident in yourself--that you didn't need to flaunt yourself in order to be seen. It's so interesting what we think we are versus what the world sees, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteIt can be frightening to challenge ourselves in these ways--especially when they're around our appearance. I think I always held myself dear to the idea that I *shouldn't* pay attention to these things because I was a feminist and feminists don't care, right? I now see how short-sighted that was--the very fact that I was a woman and did care makes it a feminist issue, and not necessarily strictly in a "Beauty Myth" sort of way.
"As if it is going to fix a lifetime of style and self-esteem woes ..."--you know, for me, because I'm so navel-gazing much of the time, doing something external was actually what I needed. I needed to act differently before I could start to actually challenge my deeply held beliefs about myself and my appearance--because otherwise it was all just theory, you know? I'm shocked by how much that little makeover did for me, and that was two hours, not 30 days!
Thank you, Autumn. I always thought you were beautiful and self-assured. Isn't life, and especially HS, sometimes ridiculous looking back? Cesar might remember ... I think we had a conversation about why I never wore skirts or shorts. Maybe he talked me into it once even, ?? but I doubt it. That was mostly about hating my myriad of scars from my tom-boyish childhood. Now scars are no big deal, but in HS I didn't like anything that brought me any attention. Scars, skinny legs. The southern accent was enough and I even worked on ditching that. It's mostly gone. I've now lived here longer than I ever lived in SC! By years!
ReplyDeleteAt some point in college I actually did begin to like my body, but still felt uncomfortable, because the way I look often makes other women either uncomfortable or judge themselves. Women are always commenting on how skinny I am (ie how skinny they are not). But I don't see skinny as necessarily a good thing. I'd rather look healthy! But I finally realized that I can't hide myself to try and make other people feel better, especially at the expense of destroying myself. I realized that in college when I expressed my stand on religious beliefs to my parents, it's just taken longer for the clothing aspect of that to show up. But I think my creative side has been kind of screaming for it.
So we'll see. I agree that physically doing something can often have a bigger impact, so maybe 30 days of stretching the limits will be enough to launch me forward. Writing about it while doing it is definitely helping the progression.
I love this post, Andrea, and can totally relate! The appearance issue smacked me right in the face with transitioning from corporate america (where it's easy to just wear the "uniform") to grad school (helloo jeans + tee-shirts) and now to my business where I find that it's time now finally in my mid-30s to give some thought to what my personal style is.
ReplyDeleteIt has certainly been a journey! It's getting easier with practice but it certainly does bring up deep stuff, doesn't it?