Being Witnessed

My post on friendship garnered a good bit of response yesterday, on my blog and Facebook. I felt the love and understanding from friends. Thank you. As I said in my comment, I felt virtually {{hugged}}. I also heard from one of my childhood friends regarding the post. I won't go into detail. I'll just say that things are good. We are good ... But it got me thinking ... Why do we take this weird step of posting our lives for the world to see via the internet, on a blog? We have the technology now to do many things, but that doesn't mean we should do them just because we can. As my mom always said when I wanted to do something, because others were doing it, "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too?" It made me wonder for a split second, is it a good idea to allow yourself to be so vulnerable, in such a public way? I have a friend who works in IT and does not allow himself to have any online presence, even to the extent of once removing himself and his email address from an E-vite I sent. My father will not order anything online. That is obviously too extreme for me. I already have LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook accounts (among others) and order stuff from Amazon regularly, but is it a good idea to allow yourself/myself to be so vulnerable, in such a public way, even if there is the possibility of directly or indirectly hurting others?

I think it is always a good idea to look at the motives behind why you are doing something. If you are doing something for the wrong reasons (revenge, gossiping etc.) then obviously it is not a good idea. But why do so many humans feel the need to share their lives in such a way? As I thought about this more, two things came up almost simultaneously. First, witnessing is a huge part of the coaching model, as I am sure it is in therapy as well. One of the definitions of the word witness [verb] is to see, be present at, or know first hand. Open ended questions help create a way for the client to verbalize and process their values or the situation at hand. This alone can be powerful as we often have mini-epiphanies just talking aloud, sharing something with another human and having it witnessed by someone who is truly listening to us. The book Co-active Coaching defines witnessing as "being authentically present with the client. This skill creates the space for clients to fully express themselves. When the coach witnesses the client's learning and growth, the client feel seen and known at a very deep level." I think as humans we have a desire, maybe even a need, to be truly seen, to be witnessed. There are many ways that this can happen, but I think blogging is the newest form and because it is both personal and impersonal, all in one, it makes it easier to allow yourself vulnerability. I know that I have often wished that someone could truly know me and still love and accept me. We have an innate need for unconditional love and having someone, even an online audience, bear witness to pieces of our soul is part of that desire for unconditional love.

The second thing that came to mind ... I have always wanted to write a book. Even as a kid full of angst, beginning to write poetry, I had daydreams of becoming a famous poet one day, but tragically, my greatness would only be discovered after I was gone. I find that I no longer write much poetry, now that my life is more stable and happier over all, but I still have thoughts about writing books. I actually have a few ideas rolling around in my head, but the book that I most often feel a deep need to write is the story of my journey with my late husband, Jeff. I want to write it for myself, as a way of being witnessed, and I want to write it to share with others in similar circumstances, so that they know they are not alone. Those are noble reasons, so why haven't I written anything? Well, there are probably many other reasons, but the big reason is that I know by speaking my truth, in this way, it will hurt some people close to me. I loved Jeff and still do, but our relationship was not all roses. How could it be? No one's is, but add  financial strain, a devastating chronic illness with the looming threat of death? The odds were stacked against us and at the time neither of us had the support or tools we really needed to cope. I, in no way, want people to think I am speaking ill of the dead, but it will be hard to share my truth without shining light on some not so pretty things. One truth is that Jeff's death saved us from filing bankruptcy (we had actually met with lawyers, something hardly anyone knows) and who knows, it may have saved us from a divorce down the road. That is something we can never know, but statistically, marriages where one partner has a chronic illness end in divorce much more frequently than marriages of healthy individuals. This happens for a myriad of reasons,but it was something that was talked about, or rather screamed about, on occasion.  Of course, these are just pieces of the story, there is so much more, but anything I share will only be my pieces and my truth and unfortunately, I can only guess at Jeff's truth from my interactions with him.

So now I think that this blog is a test. I am dipping my toes in the water as I decide to go a little deeper and reveal a little more. Will I ever write that book? Only time will tell, but maybe I am using this blog to build up my courage to write that book. Either way, I am using it to further my journey towards healing.